When Needs Collide: Managing Neurodiversity at Home

“I have one child with ADHD and one child with autism. My partner has dyslexia and probably ADHD. I think I’m pretty neurotypical so I haven’t got a clue how any of them really feel most of the time. I’m so tired and I can’t think straight anymore so even if I did know what to do I’m not sure I could do it.”

This comment from one of my clients was made with a familiar yet almost paradoxical mix of desperation and resignation. She wasn’t the first to share these sorts of feelings and I’m sure she won’t be the last. We’re living in a time when awareness of conditions like autism and ADHD is much more common, but understanding one individual’s needs doesn’t automatically give us the answers we’re looking for. How can we support them whilst simultaneously ensuring everyone else’s needs are met too? How do you support one child who craves novelty and excitement when the other needs quiet, structured routine? How do you give each child the time and attention they need without compromising your own health and wellbeing?

As a society, we have made huge strides in raising greater awareness and understanding of mental health needs and neurodivergent conditions. The surge in people coming forward for ADHD and ASD assessments alone is proof of how far we’ve come. In fact, it’s far from unusual nowadays for a parent to be diagnosed after their child. But while being part of a neurodiverse family can be fun and interesting, it definitely comes with its challenges too. It’s a topic that comes up often in conversation with clients. If you’re feeling like your home environment is getting out of control, here are a few pieces of advice I’ve given that might be helpful for you too.

Developing Self-Awareness

Far too often, we’re a bit oblivious to the impact of our words and actions on those around us. Most of us could do with developing a bit more self-awareness. When it comes to managing different needs and different emotions under the same roof, it’s much easier if we’re aware of our own needs and emotions first. If we know our limits and can recognise our own triggers, we’re in a far better position to stay calm and avoid taking it out on others in our household.

For neurodivergent people, who are often misunderstood, self-awareness is a powerful tool for emotional regulation, self-advocacy and building meaningful connections with others. This is definitely easier said than done, but, fundamentally, the process is about psychoeducation. If you can understand yourself, and guide your children to understand themselves better too, you’ll be able to set boundaries at home that create a balance where everyone’s needs can be met.

“Psychoeducation is a therapeutic intervention that aims to provide an individual and their family with information about a mental health condition and its treatment.”

Bäuml, Froböse, Kraemer, Rentrop, & Pitschel-Walz, 2006

Psychoeducation has become a commonly-used intervention in psychological treatment plans but it’s also something you can work on at home. If we break it down, these are the steps I’d think about:

• Recognising symptoms
  Start by working out what your own or your child’s symptoms are. Do you cry? Do you shout? Do you zone out and stop communicating altogether?

• Identifying triggers
  Think about what makes the symptoms worse or present more frequently. Do you get angry more often when it’s noisy or if you’ve been in a crowded space all day? Do you shut down when you’ve had more social interactions than you can cope with for the week? What are your limits when it comes to being hungry or tired?

• Communicating needs

  When you know what your limits are, how can you let others know? What vocabulary can you support your children to use so that they can express their needs to you? At home, we have post-it notes on the fridge with phrases like, “I’m feeling____ but I’m not sure why,” and “It’s too ___ in here, please can we___.” Bear in mind, some family members may find visuals easier to work with or may prefer to communicate by phone or text message instead of face-to-face if they feel under pressure.

• Co-regulation or self-regulation
  Teaching children emotional regulation starts with modelling it yourself, as well as responding to their emotions with acceptance and acknowledgement. We all need a safe space to experience our emotions so, if there is an emotional outburst, how you react to it is important. Focus on de-escalating the situation and returning everyone to a regulated state.

• Learning lessons for next time

  Incidents are going to happen. Accepting that you can’t prevent every possible issue that may result in an emotional meltdown is important for your own wellbeing. What matters most is to resolve the situation in the here and now, and then see what you can learn from it. What triggered the incident? Can you add anything to the list of someone’s triggers? What new strategies need to be put in place to improve communication in future?

If everyone is working on a journey of self-discovery (and for younger children it may be you following these steps to discover more about them), you should find that you can start to recognise what everyone’s limits are. With this knowledge, you can try to find an equilibrium, having a daily routine that balances what everyone in the family can tolerate without pushing anyone to their limits.

Supporting Siblings Who Don’t Need Support

“Mum and dad are always with X… It’s like they don’t even notice I’m there most of the time.”

It’s not uncommon for parents to share concerns about their ‘other’ child, the one who is struggling at home because their brother or sister has complex needs and requires a far greater amount of support. There’s a confusing mix of feelings that often includes sympathy, jealously and frustration - feeling guilty that their brother/sister is suffering when they’re not, feeling angry that they get so much attention and feeling jealous of them whilst not wanting to experience their difficulties. The world can seem so unfair when we look at it through their eyes.

It’s important to give your other child(ren) the time and space they need to share their feelings. Letting them know it’s ok and that their emotions are totally valid goes a long way. Setting aside quality time for them can really help too, whether you take them out for a couple of hours or sit at home together in the front of a movie eating popcorn. Remember, whilst a child with complex needs can have a whole team of professionals involved in their care, siblings will need a support network around them too. Keep in touch with school. Make sure their teachers are aware of what life at home can be like and see if there’s a mentor or counsellor they can talk to. It’s also worth considering whether they should be registered as a young carer as this can open up doors to additional sources of support.

Tackling Sibling Rivalry

One of the most common questions parents ask me is how to cope with the, “It’s not fair!” It seems almost inevitable that having different rules at home for different children is going to cause conflict, but setting individuals boundaries based on different needs doesn’t make things unfair.

So what’s the trick to managing sibling rivalry? I think it starts with acknowledging that the issue isn’t really about a difference in rules, it’s about how much awareness your children have of their own and their siblings’ needs. If they’re old enough to recognise that each of them needs something different, then try pointing it out. “I understand that you’re upset and I know it might seem unfair. X is allowed to _____ because _____. That’s not the same for you because _____ but when you need ______, X doesn’t get that because _____.” As working memory can be a problem for many neurodivergent children, they’re more likely to forget any of the positives during these moments so it’s not uncommon for them to need regular reminders. Some children will find visuals easier to process so having a chart or images to prompt them may be worth considering.

Wherever possible, I recommend avoiding phrases like, “Just because,” or “It’s none of your business,” - it’s very unlikely to make the problem go away! Listen, acknowledge and validate feelings, then give an honest (but possibly simplified) answer.

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Managing different needs under one roof isn’t easy and sadly there’s no magic wand you can wave. There’ll be days when things feel calm and days that really test your patience. But by implementing strategies like these and creating balanced routines, you could start to notice that more days feel easier.

And keep working on developing everyone’s self-awareness. It really can help!